i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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