I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
