morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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