I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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