"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
