I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
