you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
