I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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