I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
