so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
