so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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