Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
