Sry I called you an 8
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
