Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
