last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
