Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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