Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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