I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
