I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
