I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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