apparently the secret to your success is patron
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
