i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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