Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
