you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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