I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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