I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
