You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
