I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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