it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
