I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize