I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
