Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
