Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize