Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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