A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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