my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
