They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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