I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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