you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
