if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
