rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
