He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
