Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
