Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
