why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
