Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
