What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
