I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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