Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
