i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
