There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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