The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
