in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
