its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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