My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
