this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
