Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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