Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
