I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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