SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
