It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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